fitting through each other's cracks
the past month has been absolutely exhausting. i got company in my apartment – not necessarily a very nice thing – bringing laughter, tears, frustration, and moments of bliss.
the last time i lived with someone was about two years ago.
loneliness was cold but comforting. i could have really lazy days and not take a bath during the weekends. i skipped meals and lost weight. but now i got someone taking care of me and making sure i'm fed, clean, and sane. no more moping around and just letting go, drowning in existential crisis and falling into the abyss, the emotions and feelings that eat me alive from the inside.
i also miss doing solitary yoga on my apartment floor. being all alone and connected to nothing but my body.
i still got about a month left to spend with him. i am definitely happy about having him around, although it means that stress levels are on an all time high. i feel safe when i'm with him. cuddling to sleep is great, even though we are in the middle of summer heat.
there are moments when, i gotta be honest, i feel guilty about taking him here to the city where there's no sea and sand.
it is fucking miserable here in this concrete garbage wasteland. i am absolutely not happy when i go to work and smell piss in the streets. but i have no choice but to stay here for the meantime, because the high paying job is here, and i need a high paying job (money) so we can build a small hut and start a new life with enough safety cash.
i just want to be alone for days, watch stand up comedy, and regain my curiosity and vigor for life. i want to feel what it's like to be living, exploring, and travelling — not just plainly existing.
i'm not gonna be like him who's 37 and lives with his mom and can't afford to have his own board shaped. yes, he's a happy beach bum who's got happiness, freedom, and liberty, but he got no career, no money, no insurance. in some way it is admirable — how he chose to follow his heart, be free, and live his wild dreams while the rest of us are doing a 9-5. but then it's sad to know that he failed his parenthood and pretty much most of his adulthood, thanks to drugs and too much freedom.
there's two sides to the coin, yes, and thank you very much but i'm happy grinding here in the city instead of living in a sinful island paradise and making babies that i couldn't properly raise.
did he have fun? oh yes he said he did. now he's at this point of his life where he's ready to “make things right” and “get serious”. no more drugs, no more alcohol parties, and maybe no more abandoning children in the future.
like turn his life around.
Photo by Irina Iriser from Pexels
i got moments where i try to see him again like i did on the first day we met. but, you just can't. after you learn about a person's dark side, hear about their life-altering decisions, get disappointed by them, realize that they, too, are human and not just a hot body with a pretty face — you just never see them the same way again. this either brings you closer (fitting together through each other's cracks) or throws the relationship away (you couldn't handle the shit they got.)
i am really, really tired, like i just want to be alone for days, watch stand up comedy, and regain my curiosity and vigor for life. i want to feel what it's like to be living, exploring, and travelling — not just plainly existing. and for my relationship, i want to feel what it's like to celebrate life and share it with another person.
i am so done with the “tell me all your hurtful shit now so i know what i'm dealing with” and the “push all my buttons now so you know what causes my meltdowns”. i just wanna go past all that, like, if this relationship were a pair of shoes, i just want to finally break in and start a happy, long walk! i wanna be done with all the sobbing and fighting just to see how much of each other we can tolerate.
then we can say that these cracks, which we've caused and found in each other, allow us to better fit together.