I look at myself and think that my brain might have fully developed just now
A quick type while on lunch break. Feeling like I just need to put some words down.
I've been reading up on the legal requirements and implications of marriage. Am I planning to get married? Yes. Is the situation normal/typical? No.
What is normal, btw?
“Normal” or “socially acceptable” looks like this:
- You've dated for some years
- Your parents/family all agree about the wedding
- You're not supposed to be pregnant
- Both of you should have jobs/careers
- A wedding is a cherished, celebrated major family event
Here is my reality:
- We've known each other for less than a year
- He hasn't met my parents / my dad doesn't want me to get married outside of his church
- I want to be pregnant before getting married / I want to be married so my child doesn't have an illegitimate status / less paper work for admission of paternity
- My SO is broke and I'm just planning to hustle
- We want to keep it a secret and as transactional as possible (at least for me)
Marriage is a social institution. It is a legal matter for the most part. When I was a little child, I adored the flowers, wedding bells, and shit, and dreamed of my perfect wedding before I even fell in love with a man. Now, as an adult in mid-20's, I see it as a building block of our social and economic fabric.
Why the sudden decision to enter marriage and family life?
It has been a sudden decision for me, yes. I found myself in a situation where a happily married life could work, and so I decided to take the leap and just go for it — all in good faith.
I avoided pregnancy and the choice to commit to a man for many years because 1) I was never with the “right person” 2) I hadn't figured out what I wanted in life yet.
When I was 19 or 20, I embraced the idea of getting married and starting a family of my own — at a very young age. But I never got pregnant, my ex-boyfriend didn't have any real plans, and I ditched him because it felt like I had “more to experience.”
The next time I found myself in a long term relationship, I cohabited with a guy who didn't have an answer to the question, “Do you still plan to marry me?” After being roommates for a couple of years, I ditched him one summer.
What followed was a non-stop string of hook ups, FWB's, one night stands, and all horrible things that made me feel like I was never ever gonna get into a serious relationship anymore.
Then, some months ago, I met an amazing man who wanted to have a serious relationship. I decided to give it a try and see what our lucky stars would give. There'd been some rough patches in our relationship, but overall, we're very much happy. Plus, he can cook.
I have never been so attracted to a man before. I just want to be all over him, most of the time. It feels like I've finally found my quiet paradise.
So what's up now?
About a month ago, I told him that I wanted to get pregnant. Yes, for reals, as in pregnant with a large belly. Like, I wanna have a baby come out of my vagina.
I wanna take on some bigger responsbility in life and finally say goodbye to my reckless days as a dope-smoking-nicotine-junkie-on-the-verge-of-bulimia. I wanna say goodbye to myself as a young woman who didn't know where to put all the emotions in her heart, so she went to the wrong places in search of love.
I want to nourish life and pour all the love that I am capable of giving. I want to stop preventing a possible pregnancy.
If nature grants me a child, I will be thankful for it and give my best shot at becoming a loving mom. Right now I'm saving up and planning to quit my city life a few months after delivering my child.
So I'm just waiting to get pregnant now. I don't see myself living in the city by the end of next year.
Tying the knot is something me and my SO will talk about as we go along. I hope everything falls into the right place. It feels like I'm walking on my toes, but I am pretty sure I'll be fine. I have big faith in Wu Wei.
I just have to make sure that I am no longer my own worst enemy.