bleak and pretty

through the creases of a wonderful mind. city worker on the graveyard shift. writer@happyhippythoughts.xyz

Something nice that happened to me today

A dear friend who's been working overseas came back home! I was the first one to meet her at the airport. It was also my first time to visit said airport, and I was absolutely disappointed by how shitty it was.

It was a hot day, too.

Anyway, she took me out for lunch. (I hardly ever get another person to treat me out for lunch! Yay yay!) We talked about our lives, smiled and laughed over Chinese food, and before we parted ways, she gave me a box of chocolate truffles and a brand new shirt. She even gave me money to pay for my cab. (Can't remember the last time anybody gave me money, hahahah!)

Then I came home, slept, then dragged myself to work.

How's work today?

Pretty usual, still half-assing it, and still getting positive feedback because I've mastered “half-assing and still providing good numbers to my bosses.”

Anything that you realized today?

Not much, really, just putting some things into perspective – while SO was making babies with baby mama #2, I was still in elementary school or listening to Taylor Swift back when she was still a country artist.

That's, ugh, a really long time ago. It shouldn't really make sense if I'm the least bothered about it. He doesn't even remember his kids' birthdays. I don't know if that's a dick parenting move, or if I should feel sorry for his poor memory, or if it's a totally normal thing for dads.

I guess I should just get off of it.

I must admit — I am not excited to meet his kids. In fact, I'll be happy to just pretend that they didn't exist. He actually offered to try to introduce them to me the last time I was over at their house, and I was like, fuck no – you see the kids that you haven't see in years first.

I know, it's pretty vile, it's an ugly situation, but fuck it, really, I wanna be done with it.

Again, this all transpired back when Taylor was still a country artist. She still exists, yes, as much as the kids are still alive, but Taylor the country singer is just...ancient history.

Fuck ancient history.

How's solo living again? Did you manage to move to your new apartment yet?

I like how I can pretty much consume porn whenever I want and sleep in total peace. I like how I can skip meals because I don't feel like eating, and that I can eat all the garbage food that I want without getting judged.

I'm still not regularly exercising yet. I will focus on the self-improvement department once I've moved to my new apartment...will start working on that tomorrow...gotta pack all my essentials and leave all my shit and garbage behind.

I'm so excited.

What do you wanna do all day today?

Reddit.

Any five-second plans that you made today?

Make a more organized, insightful, actually useful, and less unpredictable write.as blog.

When I catch a wave and ride it to shore...it feels like catching a piece of heaven.

If you wanna surf like the locals, you must be “kinda broke”, dedicating productive hours to surfing rather than making actual money.

I found this awesome merchandise design on Behance as part of my, well, refreshers for graphic design. Coincidentally, I used to own a Landyachtz board – though I never learned to skate.

After two tries on the devil of a thing, I sprained my knee. It took about a year before I was able to run again. Even now, my knees don't feel “brand new.”

Good times.

Discouraged and traumatized, I let other people use and abuse the board. I essentially gave it away and took it to the spot where I used to surf and let all the locals have fun with it. Presently, it's in the custody of my SO. He might teach me to actually ride it, or I could just accept my own defeat.

I spent about 250USD for the complete setup. Paris trucks, Formula 5 wheels, Momentum bearings. I wanted to learn how to longboard dance. Sadly, I just sucked.

I didn't even know how to ride a bike.

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Truth is, I just wanted to be alone and sleep.

Last night I didn't come to work as I wasn't feeling like it. For the first time, I did it – I didn't suck it up. I respected myself as a mortal being.

I am all alone in my apartment now and for the long months to come. I'd rather it be monotonous and boring than sad, lonely, or worse, depressing.

It's incredibly silent. I haven't turned on music. The whole place is a mess, a collage of eye sores, as I'm also in the process of moving out.

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these past few days i've been getting decreased need for sleep. so, i'm watching out for myself and making sure i don't go overboard on anything.


today i stalked people i wasn't supposed to look at again. it feels just like smoking a cigarette or two while you're quitting. i wanna be done with it, i wanna be over it, i gotta be over it.

deep breath.

i'll be on a bus later, travel time at least 24 hours.

while countless women in the poor, rural areas dream of flying to the capital city and marrying a man with a stable career and source of income, i'm doing the exact opposite.

something interesting: i saw a reddit post about the feminine nature on r/RedPillWomen.

it made complete sense, at least in the relationship i'm in. my man – captain – is very much a red-pilled man (it stings, but i have to say that) so if i would like for our relationship to work, i should work towards becoming a red-pilled woman.

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beauty and attraction go beyond surface appearances.

i stumbled upon this section of reddit where people submit photos of themselves and get rated according to attractiveness.

why people do this i don't know — to get opinion and find ways to improve their appearances? ego stroking? plain curiosity?

looks are important – alright – but there's other qualities like personality, confidence, intelligence, and decency. heck, there are successful musicians/celebrities you wouldn't consider good-looking. and yet they're very awesome people.

this is jean-paul sartre, one of my favorite people, er, minds.

Sartre

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how we say it, how we filter our thoughts, how we package it, how we choose the words, how we set the tone, how we give direction to the thought flow — that's the writer's craft.

one of the ugliest parts about corporate employment is sitting for your shift, but really dreaming and thinking about what you wanna do after you quit.

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Posted byu/Doriando707

some days, i feel like my life is so great, that i feel sorry for people who are not in my life or joining me in it.

when i listen to “gleeful” songs like this and have my soul dance to it, i worry that something must be “up”. this little bit of happiness might soon escalate to feelings of grandiosity, little need for sleep, eventually starting out new projects, picking up new books, maybe doing something different with my looks, and overall feeling like the best person who ever lived.

also being dangerous and liking it.

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an opportunity to de-clutter and leave some things behind.

we have one more week to spend together. i've purchased bus and plane tickets. all in all, we've been physically together for three months.

it feels so fast.

i am now mentally preparing for the upcoming loneliness and the solitude that comes with living alone. solitude is always good, in a way. it gives me all the space that i need for self-improvement.

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