bleak and pretty

bipolarity, notes about daily life, and some personal essays.

I don't want to write Facebook posts anymore so I'll just take things directly here.

So here it goes.

I've been taking long walks lately, for health reasons. It's primarily physical (burn more cals) but I can find mental benefits, too. It gives me a safe and quiet space to think about things in my life.

Well, as of today, I'm like, “I'm taking my board and camping tent to Leyte and I'm entrusting it to a man I've known for less than 2 months.”

To be fair, I once entrusted my board to someone I've known for only like a couple weeks (and yeah, it was instant regret) but this time, it feels like a huge deal, a big commitment.

Basically, I'll be committing all of my surfing and most, if not all, of my vacationing time with him.

A big deal

My favorite part of life, the most treasured chunk of it, is somehow being put in the hands of this other person.

I know for a fact that 2 captains on one ship doesn't always account for a smooth ride.

Like, last night, I was invited to join their crew for a surfing event in Samar. Initially, I was all for it, then I kind of realized that things tend to be fucked up for me when I travel as part of a group.

Compromise is such a dreadful word

He was supposed to join the competition.

On the other hand, I couldn't go on a different date because my trip was already paid for and planned.

He decided to give way, I think. So now thanks to my visiting, he just missed an opportunity to compete. He'd rather just be with me so we could surf together.

Well, he did ask me to come over for Christmas.

Uncaged

I don't like being stuck in complicated situations. I don't like taking away from people or giving so much. I'm an uncaged bird, supposedly.

I thought all about this while having my long walk earlier today. Freedom is still my most valued virtue.

In the back of my head, I just thought, well if things go sour, I could always take my board and surf somewhere else; I've done it before.

#bleak

I'm sipping turmeric tea while listening to City of Stars from “La La Land” Soundtrack. Yes, I am lonely. I am also tired.

I voluntarily deprived myself of comfort food and another cigarette today. Just ignore 3 more cravings or so and I'd be off again.

I'm still nursing a bit of cough and the green pleghm shows that I haven't recovered.

I want some silence.

Cooking my own meals and shopping for whole foods lately has given me a different perspective. I've also been exercising more rigorously. I don't know why I'm really doing this anymore, but being hands on on these things is kinda therapeutic.

I just gotta quit cigarettes again.

Today I tried to eat a cake but didn't finish it. Too much sweetness doesn't taste good to me anymore.

I'm not sure what's going to be the end of this, but as I'm writing this, I feel so alone and lonely. I could give him a call but I decide not to. I kind of just want to be alone with my thoughts.

There's a yearning inside me that somehow causes an ache. I wish I were at the beach. I wish I were sitting on my board.

The city feels like a huge trap.

#personal

Many things have happened since the last time I wrote here.

I went to Leyte, fulfilled a stream of writing projects, built a professional website, created another website (about to write the first few articles this weekend), combed my hair, and started a new diet (with a goal of having toned abs and better discipline.)

I was mostly sleep deprived.

What's up right now

It is becoming hard to maintain a tight grip on work motivation. Some days it's extremely hard to come up with designs for my clients. I just wanna write and focus on my semi-non-existent writing career.

My major focus as of the moment is establishing another income stream so I could finally move out and start a new life somewhere near the ocean waves.

Other than that, I just wanna look really hot.

*Everything makes me crave peace and silence. *

Just blabbering to pass the time

I have decided to spend the remaining 20 minutes of work just writing.

I'm not sure if this composition is making sense but fuck it, I'm just going to free-write. I just wanna spill my thoughts. I will just save the writing efforts for another time.

Ah, I wanna go surfing.

I heard from him this morning and he said, “The waves are pumping.”

I wish I could carry a longboard and paddle out right now. It makes me sort of jealous that he could pretty much go surfing whenever he wants.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck at work, in front of this soul-sucking desktop computer. I just tell myself that it won't be soon before long; I'll be quitting this city life and be living the salty dream.

I don't really look forward to paydays anymore. “Surf days” are what excites me.

Five more minutes

I just really, really wanna go home now. I'll be listening to Sunsick Day while walking to the jeepney stop. I'll be doing some meal prep later and buying food containers and kitchen stuff.

I'm a little excited. It feels like I am finally getting my life together like it's 2014 all over again. Like it's college — before I fucked it all up.

I feel very much alone, though, in the sense that I have never felt so far from my family. Can't remember the last time I talked to mom.

I wanna be alone.

#bleak

I called in sick to work last night.

I rarely used sick leaves; only about a few times a year. I thought I was getting depressed or having a case of the blues —

— no, it was motherfucking influenza.

I thought about pushing myself and going to work even when I could barely stand up, but luckily my boyfriend talked me into staying home for the night. I did. I slept like a baby, only I was in pain.

I felt a little better earlier today. Thankfully I managed to finish my writing assignments. I'd been writing from 10:30 am to 3:30 pm. Five hours.

I'd been wishing that this all be over and that I wouldn't have homework anymore, because damn having side jobs apart from full time work.

Nevertheless, I'd been thinking about taking assignments from EPH again, to exercise writing and to increase my writer ranking. That's part of the plan to resign.

Just taking it one step at a time. Slowly. Carefully.

Regarding personal writing projects, I'm not really sure where the quest is going. I kind of just want to stay here and take life slowly.

Maybe I'll write an ebook. Start a blog for real. I don't know. There's many trajectories from here.

...or Tuesday blues, if you work Tuesdays to Saturdays.

#blog #rants

I'm in the office, sitting at my work desk, sipping coffee and trying my very best to pull my shit together for the first work day of the week. Ain't fun.

The Chinese president is visiting and staying in my city; this has caused the closure of several roads.

And unluckily, my driver was not aware of it, so we ended up taking a closed road and going back to take another route.

Great job, politics. Absolutely great job.

I was late for a minute. I thought I was coming to work early, so I planned to eat sandwich before everything else.

Now I'm forced to be creative and pleasant for the day. Awesome!

I have a bit of a cough. My body doesn't feel so well after my weekend trip.

I didn't get to write anything for my clients earlier today. I have work that's due by Thursday and by the end of the week. I need to muster creative powers and survival instincts to get through.

Plus, I'm juggling all these other things:

  • Setting up a freelancer profile – marketing my skills, getting clients
  • Contemplating whether I should work in a content mill again, that one where I started from five years ago
  • A phone call for mom that I've procrastinated
  • Feely feels for new boyfriend <3
  • Surfing fitness
  • Regular daily office work
  • Actually taking care of myself

I feel like I just wanna disappear, crawl inside a shell, or wrap myself up in my lover's arms.

My surf trips – these weekend getaways – are never the same.

The 4-6 hour commute, the crowd, the weather and wave conditions, what happens to me when I get on my surfboard – it's a different thing everytime I'm out there. I'm literally carrying my surfboard to the same spot over and over, but never to the same beach.

Sometimes I am not so sure about what I'm looking for anymore.

I just know that I'm paddling out, against crashing waves and dangerous currents; waiting for a swell that I could chase and catch – and hopefully ride to shore.


For a beginner who's just started paddling out on her own, rides are hard-earned gems. Most of the time, it's just wipeouts, nose dives, and missed waves.

Whenever there are local surfers or more experienced people in the line up, I feel very much like an out of place pebble. I just sort of watch people in awe, forget that I was even surfing, and just see everyone score countless waves while I sit on my wobbly board.

I smile. It's easy to just be intimidated, feel like a total kook and give up — but instead I tell myself that these guys earned their skills through hard work, discipline, and determination.

I'm not going to be a good surfer after just a few afternoons of paddling out there and trying to catch waves. I'm gonna have to spend a significant portion of my life doing so. I'm gonna have to work really hard if I wanted to learn this sport and be something I could be proud of. I need more water time, strength and endurance, plus a hell lot of patience and desire to actually do this.


Here's what I'm sure of: I want to be chasing waves for the rest of my life, for as long as I could.

I'm leaving my life in the city, quitting my job, and starting a new chapter somewhere near ocean waves. I need to be able to get in the water more than once a week. I couldn't let rigid commitments get in the way of my surfing. I am willing to denounce the comforts of life all for my love of the sea and for riding waves. Yes, I am basically throwing my life into the ocean.

Goodbye employment and all.

“So what are your plans?”

I'm saving enough money as backup, establishing an alternative income source, then finally moving out. (Maybe somewhere south?) I have to keep paying my insurance and retirement fund. I'm doing the math and planning to live a life that's as basic as possible. I'm starting now – I'm seeing how I could go spending as little money as possible.

“What are you going to say to your mom?”

I missed my younger sister's birthday celebration. I missed our team building. All because I couldn't go more than two weeks of no surfing.

That's it. I guess I'm now surfing for good. I'm leaving this corporate life to become a beach bum, a non-pro wave rider who's denounced a more “fruitful” life all for a hobby.

All for something that's never the same, unpredictable and dangerous; an elusive summer love. Sounds really crazy when you think about it, but yes I'm living a life spent on love and nothing much more.

Besides, this is the more emotionally healthy path. I might never have to be depressed ever again if I went surfing as frequently as possible. This could be my life saver. This could be the only life for me.

I just need to chase it and make it my own.

Adversity

July 2, 2015

My dear child,

I wanted to tell you that the real world will not always be as fun as it seems.

There will be times when life will punch you in the face. You will give your heart to people and they will break it. You will be given chances and they will be taken from you. You will have the strength to fix your life and find it in pieces soon after.

Life will not feel like it's worth it at most times, and you can just consider the option of jumping off a building.

I've had first-hand experience of the things I am telling you, and at this point of my life, I can say that I'm a mess.

I got fired from work because of drugs, my relationship with my parents is broken, and I'm with a married man. I owe my mother thousands in cash and have no idea how I can pay her back. I don't even have money to pay rent. I barely have cash to buy food. And I go to bed feeling lonely unless I'm high on drugs.

But baby I want you to know that I am not giving up. When you choose to do things, you've gotta keep it up. Integrity. Don't take like too seriously. Yes, you will have lows and have barely any reasons to live, but at the end of the day, only you can grant meaning to your life.

Yes, you will do things that may not make sense sometimes, and life itself won't even make sense, but that is just the beginning of it. You will again find a happy day in your life, I guarantee that.

Your plans will all be ruined but I'm pretty sure you will come up with new ones. 😊 It's okay to be emotional about your life, but hey, always remember that you are here to have fun. It's the only reason why I'm staying here. For the next fun. 😊

When times get difficult, always remember that you have your own energy. You don't need external sources to give you strength and peace of mind. These are things that you are capable of achieving for yourself.

Do not ever let yourself get lost in this world. Do not let life swallow you. Always own it.

I'm dealing with all of this simultaneously: my estranged, religion-fanatic father; a long distance relationship; my surfing hobby; my dissatisfaction with where I work and live; my being all alone in the four walls of this messy apartment.

I'm just lying down on the couch and eating honey, like Winnie the Pooh.

  1. I wanna live in a tent in the wilderness
  2. I should become a starving writer who could only afford to eat once or twice a day
  3. I wanna leave the city
  4. I wanna go surfing whenever I want, whenever there is good waves
  5. I wanna run away and escape the 10-7 life
  6. I need to save 100k and fly away
  7. I wanna turn my life around within 18 months
  8. I wanna start a Tumblr and a Twitter account about bipolarity
  9. My apartment is a huge mess
  10. I am probably dehydrated
  11. I miss him
  12. The world is a tightrope and I'm a tightrope walker suspended at 29,000 feet
  13. I'm a cage bird that wants to fly
  14. I want to write and write and write ...i can go on forever

#hypomania

Apples

It would be pointless to ask if he liked her or not; she obviously made an impact, or else he wouldn't mention her.

I wasn't being jealous or insecure. But I did get confused when I asked him: Do you fall for other people easily? and he was like, I'm not sure.

Stupid question. Didn't we get hitched into this affair after just two days of knowing each other?

We're both very much capable of hitting it off with someone we just met. It was not a question of capacity. It was a matter of choice.

Worn out tires

I'm no stranger to infidelity, cheating, and emotionless one-night-stands. I've considered myself a player. I've been with players. I've had my fair share of cheating with married people, I've been cheated on, I've had sex with people only to choose to never see them again. I know what it's like to slip into temptation, fuck someone but not really “mean it”, and I've been guilty of emotional infidelity more than once. I've been in the arms of someone while wishing I was with someone else.

Yeah, been through all sorts of shit.

It's been a pretty wild ride. I've been in many fucked up situations, and at this point, I'm not allowing anyone to make any excuses for fucking it up again, because I am very much aware that fucking up is 100% a person's choice.

Your pants ain't gonna pull itself down, number one.

That thing called faith

You'll never know, and yet you choose to believe: faith. Most of the time, the only basis of your faith on another person is a desire to maintain a good, lovable image of them. For harmony's sake, to keep it going. Because you can't love a person that you do not trust.

They may or they may not be deserving of it (reminder: narcissists and psychopaths are some of the most charming people you'll ever meet) and yet we make ourselves vulnerable to their manipulation, mistreatment and lies.

It sounds really stupid, I know, but welcome to romance, where nothing makes much sense.

Bottomline

I said to him that I don't want to think about it anymore. We're adults and we're supposed to know what we're doing. If we're not going to trust each other, then our relationship won't be going anywhere. We might as well just be playing a game of second-guessing, which is a total waste of time.

I've got more important things to do than be with someone I don't even trust, am paranoid about, and certainly not happy with. I've spent a full year of my life actually doing that, and I am never, ever again going to be that fucking stupid.

I made it clear that I wouldn't look through his phone, I wouldn't tie a leash around his neck, I wouldn't tell him where he could and couldn't go – but fuck up once, betray me once, and he'll never see me again. I'm out. Bye. That's it. Plain and simple. I'm leaving some self-love and dignity for myself.

Scattered stars

Life is too short to give second chances to someone who wouldn't do it right the first time. I firmly believe that somewhere out there, there's a perfect fit, where things fall into the right places without necessarily arranging them.

That's the kind of relationship I want to be in: no games, no second guessing, no wondering what's your place or value in someone's life. I just want a safe haven to fall freely and love with all my heart.

I'm not talking about a happy ending. There's no such thing as perfect.

But there's things like integrity, dignity, and loyalty; and I still believe in them.