thoughts while listening to paramore
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i miss being a teenager. the pure emotions, the feelings, the intensity and zest for life that become blunted in your twenties. when all that mattered were the contents of your heart.
losing your virginity. experiencing your first kiss. going on your first date. confessing your love to someone. writing love letters. crying over a boy. swearing you'll never fall in love again and then doing the exact same thing twenty more times later. moving out of your parents' house. smoking your first cigarette. losing your friends. realizing you can't really trust people. being more alone than ever. sleeping over at a boyfriend's house. disappointing your parents. taking your first pregnancy test. the depression. the euphoria. the wild ride.
life didn't really become more stable in my early 20's. if any, it was just more of a mess. plus, i had money to do “adult” things. i cohabited, smoked more cigarettes, hooked up, got myself on birth control, smoked more stuff, and hooked up some more.
along the way, you lose your heart. you just never feel the same again. nothing beats the first time. and as you unravel all your first time's, pretty much nothing becomes left.
you can visit the same place where you fell in love at sixteen, but it's never the same. the eyes of adulthood see things differently compared to teen-hood.
and i kind of just want to go back. i want to see the world the way i did when i was seventeen. raw, pure of faith, forever unsure and yet determined. i want to stop being a grown up. i want to navigate through life the way i did when i was so much younger and inexperienced.
i want this to be all about me and what i feel.