screams of delightful children
moving forward isn't easy. his past has become my present. in idle moments i see his little girl and the smirk of his ex. i wish i didn't know anything, if only it were possible to live in complete isolation, in a fantasy world, in deafening silence. i would rather be in a cold, dark universe with only him and me, ocean waves, and perhaps the fruits of our love.
but that isn't possible. what has been done in the past continues to live in the present. it claws at me and threatens tomorrow's sanity.
i remember the wife of an ex. i never thought of meeting her, but i did, four years ago. she had a pretty face. she was a doll that came to life, an animated cut-out from a piece of cardboard. i used to only see her in pictures. (is there a word to describe the feeling of finally seeing a person in real life, when you only used to see them in photographs?)
anyway, i did meet her, at a music festival. funny how you could memorize someone's face before actually meeting them. funny how the jealousy that used to be imaginary had now become valid. funny how i liked her a lot to the point that i developed some affection for her.
“who knows, they might be sweet to you when you finally meet them,” he suggested.
“i doubt it,” i replied.
some days later, with tears in my eyes i cried to him, “i don't want anything to do with your children.”
there goes the hidden fact. there goes the insecurity finally manifested in words with sloppy crying. i was insecure of two pre-pubescent children and their mother. they hate me probably just as much as i abhor the fact that they even existed. i wanted his love to be all mine. i was scared that somehow, they would take him away from me. that it in the future, i would find myself caught in a tug of war. like i once was, when i was a paramour who fed on bits and crumbs of attention. i don't ever want that to happen again.
Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels
the more i think about his past, the more it becomes real. the more i realize that they live well into the present. a doomsday for me will certainly come. a time to meet the people that i couldn't avoid. when that happens, i must be guarded. i must have a clear mind and know what's mine. where i stand. what i'm supposed to care about. the limits of my involvement.
i must turn away and not look back. i must focus on myself. there are plenty of things to do right now rather than worry about the screams of delightful children. i must leave that to him. if they make their presence known to me again, i must not tremble. i must take a deep breath and act cool, like i did during the first few times i talked to my ex's wife.
who knows, they might be sweet to me, too.