bleak and pretty

today, i learned about professor jordan peterson and the amazing word that he spreads in his lectures.

since i graduated from university, i've barely had chances to engage in sophisticated, academic, mentally stimulating discourses. in the above link, he talks about the modern dilemma that men face today.

i was captured by his ideas, thanks to my fair share of experiences with men who live their lives astray, useless, unmotivated, and spoiled rotten by hedonism. my own father has never been the best (we cut ties recently) and all my exes were shit. the man i'm with is an absent father who didn't even sign his children's birth certificate. a “good, noble man, who lives a motivated, meaningful, and purposeful life” is a new concept.

“find something to be responsible for,” peterson said.

and that was how i decided that i didn't want to continue using birth control, and that i would like to start a family soon...even though i might find myself in a less than ideal situation.

i made this decision before i learned about his horrible ex, who was described as a violent, possessive, cheating scum.

i must confess that i search for pictures of her online, because i might very well meet her on the road, and i do not want to be surprised by her looks. i already hate her, unfortunately, she doesn't have the irresistible charm and charisma that my ex's wife had. but anyway...

i used to take a major physics class here.

i'm no science wizard, but i managed to pass. i miss the feeling of being a university student. i was a poor kid, yes, but i was smart – always got near perfect grades – and supposed to graduate with latin honors.

i hold dearly to these memories, where i knew i was a jewel in the class, shining with potential, urged by my professors to take masters because i was a good speaker and writer.

right now, i play in my head this memory of walking inside the law school building, feeling so small, submitting my application for the law entrance exam.

i passed. i didn't continue with the application. by then i'd had F R E I H E I T tattoed in my knuckles.

i chose freedom. i turned my attention away from the intellectual prestige. i looked to see what was on the other side. my university days had been renaissance, while the years following my graduation somber baroque.

i picked up smoking, became a mistress, did marijuana, got more tattoos, moved in with a man-child who was addicted to computer games, had one-night-stands, hooked up till i got sick.

for a while i forgot about being the bookish, professor's favorite, ever-reliable humanities student who turned in papers and delivered presentations that got nothing less than “satisfactory.” i was no longer this perfect girl that my perfectionist mother designed.

still a part of that would live inside me, as i would always crave food for the mind, and turn a critical eye at society and life's reality. i would always be the sharp-witted, diligent learner, even only by being a listener to professor jordan peterson.