bleak and pretty

through the creases of a wonderful mind. city worker on the graveyard shift. writer@happyhippythoughts.xyz

purpose, balance, and calm in life isn't a given.

sometimes i forget how to just be okay.

so during my 15-minute break, i decided to do squats, wall-pushups, and leg lifts in the bathroom stall. now i'm listening to post malone.

my body feels good. it's quite better than after-sex bliss.

i haven't worked out in weeks. these past few days, i've been sleeping a little too much, the kind that's already causing me headaches and blurred vision. i've been basically...letting go. i just want to sleep, and sleep, and not be here anymore.

but right now, while typing this, i realize that purpose, balance, and calm in life isn't a given. not in my life. i gotta work for it. i can't autopilot. i gotta grip the steering wheel — hard — or else my troubles will get the best of me.

destructive thoughts are still here but i'm trying to shoo them away. i wish “out of sight, out of mind” was applicable to me. sigh. i just try to relax.

or just sleep.

Photo by Magda Ehlers from Pexels

Photo by Magda Ehlers from Pexels

Name: Mia Sex: F Age: 25 Location: MNL, PH

About me: I'm probably crazy, but I'm working on it.

Religion: N/A

Status:

  • Employed
  • In a relationship
  • Living alone
  • Estranged from abusive dad
  • Night-shift worker
  • Graphic designer

My personality in a sentence:

I took a U-turn from law school cause I wanted to party instead.

this is how i'm going through life. but, no, i don't drive. i don't have a car.

right now, it feels good. i guess it only gets better after hitting rock bottom. yesterday – and a few days prior to that – i was a mess, and i could have reversed much of my little progress if i didn't hang on.

so.

i'm going to “rise up” and help myself again. yesterday, i've thought about seeing a therapist, but maybe i can just help myself for now, as i would like to deal with my condition as organically and independently as possible.

i've decided to take some action steps for better mental health.

Read more...

my reasons to keep moving are falling from my hands like bits of sand.

i refuse to label my emotional experiences anymore as some sort of episodes. as if putting them in a box of categories helps me sort them out. as if labeling can disconnect me from the reality of my emotions.

tear in my eye, heavy chest, tired muscles, lump in my throat, insatiable desire to sleep? let's just call it depression.

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you lose your creativity and become a sell-out. you are reduced to corporation property. price tags — pay slips that you get every month — determine your worth as an individual.

lately, at work, it feels like there's nothing else to give. as if i can't design yet another business card. like an empty lemon that's been squeezed over and over.

i'm at the edge of my seat and i'm about to fall, and crack into a hundred pieces on the floor.

it rained tonight. the heavens poured while i was on my way to work. my heart sank as i stepped into flood waters of piss, shit, garbage, and whatnot. if metro manila wasn't steaming in heat thanks to smoke belching vehicles, it's dirty-wet. absolutely disgusting wasteland.

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today, i learned about professor jordan peterson and the amazing word that he spreads in his lectures.

since i graduated from university, i've barely had chances to engage in sophisticated, academic, mentally stimulating discourses. in the above link, he talks about the modern dilemma that men face today.

Read more...

another day at the production floor is done. i'm spending the last few minutes listening to sticky fingers' “delete” and typing this post. all-too-familiar feelings of exhaustion (and a tired back) fill me. i'm happy that i'll be walking out of this building, through piss-smelling streets, to my half-decent studio apartment.

to my lover, my man, this i guy i consider my husband.

we still have about three weeks together. then it's a long distance relationship all over again, more torturous solitude and loneliness for me. i am quite prepared. after all, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and as a couple, we do need some time away from each other.

i myself have been craving “introvert moments” where i could actually just read a book all day or start a new hobby, design graphics, try calligraphy and lettering all over again.

or just watch porn.

i'm planning to visit my mom and bring him with me on mother's day. i hope they get along well.

also, my period is due in about three days. i am trying not to take a pregnancy test right now. i'll wait a week until my period's due, if it hasn't come yet.

i really want to get pregnant.

clocks out

Talking to the devil Photo by Catherine from Pexels / Text by Sappy Alternatives

i don't want to just shut up and say that past is past. i want it to burn. i want fire to consume me, take me, swim in a lake of fire; come out purified, obsolete, exhausted, nearly dead, so that there's nothing else to feel.

no more questions to ask. no more faces to see.

i want to be in the end, so i can start a beginning.


i realize that i've been dealing with the same puzzle piece-shit for four months now. at this point, i'm just tired.

what made it utterly exhausting was getting bits and crumbles along the way — scattered for the good of a quarter year — left with more questions than before the interrogation.

do your kids use your last name? did you have a clean break up did you ever try to build a family? what kind of relationship are you sustaining with your ex? when did you separate? why?

i was picking on old wounds, yes, but i had to know. you couldn't just inform someone that you had multiple kids from a previous relationship and not make them understand, especially if this “them” is emotionally attached to you, planning a future with you, and is also swimming in a pool of insecurities.

i want to be better than your past. i want you to love me more. i want you to give me something that you never gave her, something nobody else could have. you guys have been through many things – lived together and created a child – and i can't help but feel like a second-rated nothing compared to all that.

i feel like i have less.

anyway, i find it funny that i'm letting some event in your life about a decade ago deflate my self-esteem.

i am going to rise against all of that. jealousy is simply a by-product of insecurity. i will focus on what's good about me and our relationship. by then, i wouldn't have to feel that i'm only holding a secondhand heart.

i want to feel the agony caused by things i missed and never could have. and maybe in this agony, in this pain, i find myself drenched in flammable tears and once and for all, burn into ashes.

yesterday morning, i was in good spirits and feeling like a happy little seed. all smiles, cheery steps. a little past noon, i found myself in a rage that caused me to twist and hyperventilate. i needed a release — i cut myself. i took a trusty razor blade and cut myself. i cried afterwards. it was a much needed cry.

i would've done more if there wasn't someone in the room with me.

let's say that somewhere between these events, i started a difficult conversation, confronting my anxieties and insecurities. i thought i was okay and stable enough to unravel these ugly parts. but...i guess i was wrong. maybe some parts of my mind are better untouched.

i guess whatever my state of living is, there's bound to be some sort of difficulty.

and yet, i knew that there was a need to address these issues. i coudn't just sleep on them forever. they lurk in the background, shadowing every hesitation, reluctance, and decision that i make.

i must face my fears.

i must befriend my monsters until they no longer scare me.

Photo by Suzana Duljic from Pexels Photo by Suzana Duljic from Pexels


some choose to hide and ignore, make themselves busy, find some excuse, or say some hippy shit like, “think happy thoughts, the energy in your mind is your ultimate reality.” some people drink alcohol to oblivion, get high, or just watch a movie while their girlfriend is hyperventilating and cutting herself.

being in a “serious” relationship has its pains. being single and “playing it safe” can cause madness. just “being happy and playing around” has dangers. seclusion and isolation sounds fun until you itch to hook up again.

i guess whatever my state of living is, there's bound to be some sort of difficulty. maybe i'm emotionally-challenged, or i just don't function normally (i.e. consistently stable). intrusive, negative, and harmful thoughts/ideas/actions don't function in my system like they're supposed to in a normal being. sometimes i drown in sorrow, quite willingly, in the sense that i tend to sink deeper than to help pull myself up. and then i die, and again, and again, and again.

it's exhausting. recently i figured out that 6 months ago, i was posting nudes for thousands to see. just six short months after that i decide that i want to become a mother. it wouldn't be wrong to say that my life is going just about as fast as a bullet train, but it's taking unexpected turns that sometimes i myself have a hard time following through the course of my life.

like, mia, wtf, what did you do again.

i have a weird habit of building bridges only to burn them, while crying about it.

sometimes i push people away. the more they try to pull me back, the more i push and distance myself. i don't know, maybe i'm trying to pull them into my own misery. or maybe i just want to feel that even when i hate myself the most, when i can't even stand myself, i still got others who want me. who are willing to wait and see myself become happy again.

but most of the time, it ends in goodbyes and friends that i never see again.

and then i try to find comfort in solitude, in the cold loneliness. just try to hide in my little hole, never to be seen again. maybe not until the day that i'm all smiles again. when the dopamine has surged, coming back like the first few waves of the season.

right now i could really use a vacation. i wanna go somewhere alone. maybe i just wanna be alone. i wanna feel safe. untouchable. like nobody can hurt me.