yesterday morning, i was in good spirits and feeling like a happy little seed. all smiles, cheery steps. a little past noon, i found myself in a rage that caused me to twist and hyperventilate. i needed a release — i cut myself. i took a trusty razor blade and cut myself. i cried afterwards. it was a much needed cry.
i would've done more if there wasn't someone in the room with me.
let's say that somewhere between these events, i started a difficult conversation, confronting my anxieties and insecurities. i thought i was okay and stable enough to unravel these ugly parts. but...i guess i was wrong. maybe some parts of my mind are better untouched.
i guess whatever my state of living is, there's bound to be some sort of difficulty.
and yet, i knew that there was a need to address these issues. i coudn't just sleep on them forever. they lurk in the background, shadowing every hesitation, reluctance, and decision that i make.
i must face my fears.
i must befriend my monsters until they no longer scare me.
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some choose to hide and ignore, make themselves busy, find some excuse, or say some hippy shit like, “think happy thoughts, the energy in your mind is your ultimate reality.” some people drink alcohol to oblivion, get high, or just watch a movie while their girlfriend is hyperventilating and cutting herself.
being in a “serious” relationship has its pains. being single and “playing it safe” can cause madness. just “being happy and playing around” has dangers. seclusion and isolation sounds fun until you itch to hook up again.
i guess whatever my state of living is, there's bound to be some sort of difficulty. maybe i'm emotionally-challenged, or i just don't function normally (i.e. consistently stable). intrusive, negative, and harmful thoughts/ideas/actions don't function in my system like they're supposed to in a normal being. sometimes i drown in sorrow, quite willingly, in the sense that i tend to sink deeper than to help pull myself up. and then i die, and again, and again, and again.
it's exhausting. recently i figured out that 6 months ago, i was posting nudes for thousands to see. just six short months after that i decide that i want to become a mother. it wouldn't be wrong to say that my life is going just about as fast as a bullet train, but it's taking unexpected turns that sometimes i myself have a hard time following through the course of my life.
like, mia, wtf, what did you do again.
i have a weird habit of building bridges only to burn them, while crying about it.
sometimes i push people away. the more they try to pull me back, the more i push and distance myself. i don't know, maybe i'm trying to pull them into my own misery. or maybe i just want to feel that even when i hate myself the most, when i can't even stand myself, i still got others who want me. who are willing to wait and see myself become happy again.
but most of the time, it ends in goodbyes and friends that i never see again.
and then i try to find comfort in solitude, in the cold loneliness. just try to hide in my little hole, never to be seen again. maybe not until the day that i'm all smiles again. when the dopamine has surged, coming back like the first few waves of the season.
right now i could really use a vacation. i wanna go somewhere alone. maybe i just wanna be alone. i wanna feel safe. untouchable. like nobody can hurt me.