How I'm Dealing With (Shit) Life Right Now

I'm writing these words in search of clarity. I want to feel solace amidst the mental and physical exhaustion, the push and pull of life, the sheer frustration. I need a breather.

#bipolardiaries #storytime #personal #march2019

24 years old, single, wanna have a child

All my adolescent life, I've avoided pregnancy. My maternal instincts kicked in just a couple months ago.

After a bit of decision-making, I had sex for baby-making purposes for the first time. I obsessively lurked around r/BabyBumps/ and even took 2 weeks off of work for this.

A month later, all I got was a disappointing negative pregnancy test.

What makes it even more frustrating is the fact that he has a child by another woman. Why has it been so easy for him to accidentally impregnate but not have a deliberately planned child with me? Why?

I've already swallowed this ultra bitter pill, the fact that I can't be the one to give him his first child. It hurts in so many ways whenever I think of it. It stings.

I do not wish to dwell on that part of his past because it's unproductive and only brings unnecessary stress. I'm not trying to “make things even” by also having a child with him; I want to have a child because I want to love as a mother and care for a little bundle of joy and feel that special kind of affection.

And yet it feels like I'm gonna get another negative this end of March. I'm ready to pull all my hair out.

Working at a #callcenter, sleep deprived, #working at night

Ranting about my job won't do any good. This pays the bills and allows me to enjoy a life of freedom. I should love it, own it, and do everything except hate it.

But at this point I am really just so fed up. I am a little burnt out. I am fucking tired. I want to write for a living, expand myself as a writer, but the fact that I have to sit in an office and do non-writing related work doesn't bring me closer to my career goals.

I have to. I need the money that comes from this. There's really no other job for me that pays as much. I have to stick to this and just keep all the benefits in mind. Now is not a good time to submit a resignation letter and go back to square one. I've gone so far.

Want to #surf but currently residing in a #concretejungle

I want to leave the city for good. I am tired of the pollution, congested traffic, and pieces of shit that I see on the road everyday.

I can settle down with my SO, who comes from a seaside community, or I can just go on my own if things don't work out for us. But before I could move out, I need a lot of money and a backup job.

It's not like I can run off with my SO...no. He can't feed me. I have to work my shit job, save money, and then work some more.

Living alone, currently in a #relationship with an overprotective man

I used to surf every weekend. Since I met my SO, I couldn't do that anymore. He wasn't comfortable with letting me swim in shark-infested waters, without him by my side.

What I really mean is that he wouldn't let me go to another beach alone, somewhere nearer and affordable, lest I end up hooking up with other people.

I find this absurd and suffocating, but unfortunately no amount of talking has made me convince him otherwise.

So I just have to suck up the fact that I can no longer surf on my own. It makes me furious thinking about it and typing it now. I used to solo travel, a lot, and now I can't really go out unless I have his permission.

I want to rant about this some more, because it's so unfair that he's able to go to places with his friends and all. Whereas I have to be stuck. It just makes me feel so angry.

Seriously.

So what am I doing about it? For the moment, I'm just sucking it up. Surfing is my ultimate love – unfortunately I'm 500 miles away from my board (which I've left in his town). It's heartbreaking.

How I feel right now about surfing is that, we're two lovers torn apart, me and the ocean — my greatest love — can't be together. Isn't it stupid that my relationship with a surfer has caused me to lose my relationship with surfing?

I'm almost crying now. Really. It feels like all life has been drained out of me. This compromise hurts. I can't believe that I'm trading the greatest happiness of my life just to keep a relationship with a man. Ugh that sounds so desperate!

I guess we can't have everything.

For now, I have to suck it up, again, I guess I'll just turn away and try not to look back, until there comes a moment when I can be with the ocean again, with the supervision of my overprotective SO.

Literally, now I just wanna say fuck him.

He won't allow me to surf, he won't get me pregnant, and now I'm wondering what's even keeping our relationship together. It amuses me how I can have too much hope and dreams but no results in my hands. It's absurd.

I love him and it's testing my patience.

A compromise shows that you have a common goal in mind: a healthy partnership, rather than your own singular happiness at heart. – Elitedaily

If a healthy partnership, giving him peace of mind, means that I can't go on trips alone — where I might accidentally get drunk and have sex with everyone — then I must be ready for endless weeping in my apartment.

Takeaways

Life is...well, just being itself – a cruel bitch.

It feels good to admit that I am in fact dealing with so many of life's un-pleasantries. Did writing this give me some clarity? Yes.

I tell myself:

I anticipate being jealous again when my man is back surfing, and I'll be stuck alone in my apartment. Hopefully, I'm pregnant when he leaves.

Plan B

Otherwise....I don't know, I guess I'll just read and write and immerse myself with words. Maybe find a new hobby, get serious with calligraphy or something.

I have to stay away from surfing for the meantime. The more I think about my lost love, the more it stings. It's hard to keep wanting something that you can't have constantly, or as you want it.

I'll do anything good, be kind, all except sex and drugs. I want to believe that I'm done with hookup and drug culture.

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