Faith, or none of it

Apples

It would be pointless to ask if he liked her or not; she obviously made an impact, or else he wouldn't mention her.

I wasn't being jealous or insecure. But I did get confused when I asked him: Do you fall for other people easily? and he was like, I'm not sure.

Stupid question. Didn't we get hitched into this affair after just two days of knowing each other?

We're both very much capable of hitting it off with someone we just met. It was not a question of capacity. It was a matter of choice.

Worn out tires

I'm no stranger to infidelity, cheating, and emotionless one-night-stands. I've considered myself a player. I've been with players. I've had my fair share of cheating with married people, I've been cheated on, I've had sex with people only to choose to never see them again. I know what it's like to slip into temptation, fuck someone but not really “mean it”, and I've been guilty of emotional infidelity more than once. I've been in the arms of someone while wishing I was with someone else.

Yeah, been through all sorts of shit.

It's been a pretty wild ride. I've been in many fucked up situations, and at this point, I'm not allowing anyone to make any excuses for fucking it up again, because I am very much aware that fucking up is 100% a person's choice.

Your pants ain't gonna pull itself down, number one.

That thing called faith

You'll never know, and yet you choose to believe: faith. Most of the time, the only basis of your faith on another person is a desire to maintain a good, lovable image of them. For harmony's sake, to keep it going. Because you can't love a person that you do not trust.

They may or they may not be deserving of it (reminder: narcissists and psychopaths are some of the most charming people you'll ever meet) and yet we make ourselves vulnerable to their manipulation, mistreatment and lies.

It sounds really stupid, I know, but welcome to romance, where nothing makes much sense.

Bottomline

I said to him that I don't want to think about it anymore. We're adults and we're supposed to know what we're doing. If we're not going to trust each other, then our relationship won't be going anywhere. We might as well just be playing a game of second-guessing, which is a total waste of time.

I've got more important things to do than be with someone I don't even trust, am paranoid about, and certainly not happy with. I've spent a full year of my life actually doing that, and I am never, ever again going to be that fucking stupid.

I made it clear that I wouldn't look through his phone, I wouldn't tie a leash around his neck, I wouldn't tell him where he could and couldn't go – but fuck up once, betray me once, and he'll never see me again. I'm out. Bye. That's it. Plain and simple. I'm leaving some self-love and dignity for myself.

Scattered stars

Life is too short to give second chances to someone who wouldn't do it right the first time. I firmly believe that somewhere out there, there's a perfect fit, where things fall into the right places without necessarily arranging them.

That's the kind of relationship I want to be in: no games, no second guessing, no wondering what's your place or value in someone's life. I just want a safe haven to fall freely and love with all my heart.

I'm not talking about a happy ending. There's no such thing as perfect.

But there's things like integrity, dignity, and loyalty; and I still believe in them.