all the people i ever slept with
i think it would be nice to get my sexual history down on record, so here it is. let's pretend i had too much alcohol to drink.
warning: this is a long read.
Photo by Noelle Otto from Pexels
the first time somebody attempted to take my virginity, i sobbed. i didn't expect it. we didn't talk about it. i was fifteen and he was sixteen. this happened about nine years ago, during my first semester of college. we were at my best friend's boarding house. i thought we were only going to “sleep” together, but one thing led to another.
nope, we didn't accomplish full penetration. we were both virgins and it hurt too much. we would try again about two months later.
at the end of my six-month “relationship” with him, i lost my virginity to awful sex. his penis wasn't fully erect and we got only two inches deep.
next -
fast forward to two years later. i “finally” lost my virginity. i came over to a guy's house, pulled my pants down, bent over a bunk bed, and allowed my date to take me from behind. he finished after ten seconds. i didn't hurt, i didn't bleed. he had a small penis.
it was a shame that i continued to date this guy for about three more (fucking) years. teenager me thought that we were going to tie the knot and do that marriage-and-kids thing, but i flipped during my last year of college. it felt like i had more (dicks) to experience in life.
a month into singlehood, i met a guy on tinder. from him, i learned to smoke marijuana and, oh boy, he was such a wonderful lover. i never thought that sex could be so nice, that a guy could be so sweet. he was this perfect boy-next-door thing with a pipe and a penny skateboard. yes, we fell in love. we did a lot of stoned sex. good times. it was a smokey paradise. but we couldn't just be together. he had a wife. he married his first love.
we broke up after the summer. and to prove to myself that i was fine and over him, i hooked up with another guy. a mutual friend gave my number to him. we met for sex. he was an unremarkable college boy with mommy issues. he had a hard time finishing. we were supposed to be fwb's but i decided that i wanted to come back to my pothead ex. so i ended it and blocked him on my phone and social media.
i never reconciled with my ex.
another couple of months.
i had this cute co-worker who would later on become my roommate. invited him over for pizza, movie, and marijuana. we ended up having sex and deciding to have a relationship, which would span two years. he was a man-child with an addiction to video games. he didn't really help me around the house. i got a taste of what it was like to play the role of a wife and a mother. it was not so fun. i never considered him my husband. i kicked him out of the apartment eventually.
two weeks later.
i met up with the boy i fell in love with when i was sixteen. for the first time, we had sex. it was quick. can't believe i waited seven years for a quickie. he didn't have a huge dick.
two weeks later.
met up with a guy on okcupid. now let me pause for a moment to say that he was the hottest guy i ever had sex with. yup. he was just hot. i never thought i could actually have sex with hot guys, too. he was a surfer. i developed feelings for him. he didn't reciprocate.
so about two or three weeks later, i got another guy. he was very nice and neat. an artist. he had smooth skin and a clean, baby face. he lived in a condo unit and had a cat. very suave. he had a comfy bed. it was very nice. the only thing with him was that he was emotionally scarred. guy had intimacy issues. he also had gonorrhea.
i swear i fell for him, but looking back, it was stupid.
i hooked up with another surfer. he was supposed to be my surfing teacher. it was kinda hot, having sex with your mentor. he was much older than me too. he had a wife and kids. he was too clingy and i wasn't just interested in married guys anymore.
i looked for a different surfing mentor. i ended up having sex with him again. it was a mess. he had a girthy cock. he was tall, athletic, overall sad-looking kind of handsome. i thought we were in love. i was in poor mental health at the time and probably gave him some hell. i was jealous of his ex. before i knew it, he was dating someone else.
i took about a three month break.
i decided to surf a different beach and guess what? i fucked one of the locals again. i even ended up introducing him to my mom – shame and regret right there. he wasn't beautiful. he had a poor attitude and coerced me to have sex with him one too many times. i dumped him at the end of the surfing season.
sigh. how many have been there?
while it was off-season, i decided to have a tattoo. and yes you guessed that right — i hooked up with my tattoo artist. i thought i was in love with him too! he was really funny, he was a small guy (i was taller) and he had this unspeakable charm about him. we kind of went along together well. he said i was on his mind, too. he was really good at his art. sadly, he wasn't up for anything, and we didn't meet again after that one session.
he was my favorite dick.
i believe it was about a week later, i hooked up with someone (again, ugh) and he was supposed to be nice on paper. drives a car, 6'0 tall, 7 inches long, has manners, has a drive for adventure. but then, he also had a baby face, poor posture, and a bad breath. he was clingy too. he wanted a relationship, i was good with a one night thing.
a week later, i meet the guy that i've been dating for about five months now. here is the story. i thought he was a happy-go-lucky surfer with pretty hair and a nice body. turns out he had run away from his kids from two different women. i want to make him my baby daddy. we're currently trying for a baby.
i'm probably being a stupid shit, and you can judge me by this essay.